a defining moment

you know how we sometimes have certain defining moments which either shake us out of oblivion or bring us to another level of being?  my recent defining moment was at the Christmas Eve family lunch - it had traditionally been us girls, and when they were young, with stella and her kids.  we stopped the tradition for a few years when the husband had to be considered :)

we re-started the girls tradition for the last two years, and this year, there were 2 additions.... their boyfriends!  sitting at the head of the table and watching the two couples, was a very defining moment for me..... the girls have come of age and having their own lives to lead, with their own partners.  which begs the other sore fact - that i'm definitely getting old :(

oh well, maybe in a few years' time, we can still continue the tradition, but with some additions of little ones??

younghood by popular demand

.when i was in my early teens, i remember fantasizing about this hunk who totally adores me, and i would sit at the ledge of my window under the moonlight - admiring the bright new moon of course, but letting the mind wander......of course, by the time i was old enough to date, i did have my fair share of good looking, and not so good looking, interesting and not so interesting, young men for company.  but no one sat with me to stare at the moon...

now when i am not so young, i don't fantasize anymore since i have lived through it all, but every now and then i do enjoy a sweet, romantic dream, but this time, not with a fantasy soul, but with someone i loved a long time ago.... ok, maybe i still have some feelings for him...

i look at the bright new moon these days and i just go "wow, kids, look at the moon, isn't it glorious" - far too practical i am now, maybe because i prefer to lock up the other side of me..... when the kids were young, i would tell them the 'moon' story - the story of how the princess who lives on the moon, falls in love with a man from earth, and can only visit him once a year, when her parents allow her to visit earth.. how romantic, how sad...

i do deviate much on this blog too, don't I - i used to write a fair number of poems in the younger days.  these days, the mind is a total blank where creative juices are concerned. i can hardly write two lines of meaningful prose!

i do wonder what happened to all my younger loves, where they are, what they're doing - strange that i have not bumped into any of them.. 

the truth?

don't you think the word 'truth' has been used too freely?  who knows what is the truth except the person who has experienced it; and even with the experience, who is to know that they are relating the truth?  many a time, the story has been glorified, embellished, exaggerated to make it a worthy story to be listened to and remembered.


when someone says that they love you, which truth is it?  the love of love or the lust of love, or the companionship of love?


when someone says you are a good friend, is it because you are the most useful at the point in time, you contribute the most to the person's wellbeing and joy for now, and that you are gullible enough to be sucked into doing all the dirty jobs that need to be done?  how many are truly truthful to their words?

the only truth is when someone comes to your help without asking anything in return, now and later.  the only truth is when someone doesn't question your story but just dishes out whatever help you need.  the only truth is when, long after you had a relationship with the person, they still remember you and extends a helping hand with one call, without conditions.

the only truth is when someone you love loves you back by showing it in the most simple ways, without expectations, without conditions, without negatives...

discos and nightspots

here's another trip down memory lane. i was taking a ride downtown the other day, a rare scene since i usually prefer to drive myself. it gave me a chance to look around the city landscape, and, did i shock myself - so many buildings that i didn't realise had sprung up, so many entertainment spots that i haven't known about.

back in the days of younghood (as my daughter terms it), i knew every nook and corner of the town, every disco (nowadays called clubs), every good restaurant, every lorong with the best hokkien mee, best satay, best bak kut teh. i knew that the best prawn mee in town was the lorong near chinatown, but it only opens on thursdays; that campbell square had the best nasi lemak, jalan ipoh had the best bak kut teh at 3 a.m. after a sweaty session at the disco.

today, i can hardly keep up with the new roads and buildings, let alone the hangouts of the young.  we were in a much safer environment then,i am convinced.  i could walk home from a bus ride at midnight, and i wouldn't worry about anything.  i would drive home alone at 2 a.m. and it was fine. life then was not so complicated, it wasn't as decadent and immoral.  life was somewhat simpler, just as fun without the negative frills like drugs and bad hats... sure, it wasn't devoid of them, but it sure wasn't as rampant and common as today.

life for youngsters seem to be good these days, with all the modern technology and gadgets that are so sophisticated; but i reckon that with a much safer world those days, life was much happier and easygoing. parents didn't have to worry as much about their child's safety and well-being then.  with all the violence prevailing these days, youngsters have to be more wary about their surroundings, hence putting pressures on where they should hang out in, what time they should be heading home, why they shouldn't really be driving alone at night..... so many restrictions these days....

and those who throw caution to the wind today?? well, many have paid the price and many will have the negatives catch up on them, and some will get away with it...... but do we want to take that risk? i certainly believe the consequences are not worth the risks..

of fridays

a long time ago, when mobile phones were gigantic and owned by loan sharks only, we relied on land lines to get dates and talk to the boyfriends.  come thursday, us bachelor girls will be busy picking up the office lines to fix appointments for friday and saturday.  oh what fun and joy when one is young and beautiful..

today, friday is a day i look forward to going home and chill out, while the whole city is bustling around traffic jams, crowded places, and bad food due to the rush.

but we have to go through each phase of life as it pans out, the important thing is for us to enjoy each portion, no matter how unpleasant, or negative it may seem at the time.

choose to be positive, choose to take each day in stride and be happy with small mercies, choose to smile despite hardships.... choice is a certainty we have, apart from death..

picture of pleasant thoughts

time machine

it certainly feels like i'm in a time machine, moving forward at the speed of light. like a blink of the eye, it's christmas round the corner, and i can still remember last christmas. the good thing about this time machine, is that shoobaba will be back, if only for holidays..  at least one daughter will be thrilled to see me too...

speaking of this same time machine, i saw my nephew Marcus today, an absence of over 2 months, and gosh, has he shot up in height!

maybe i would wake up in the morning, and the time machine would take me to a debt-free day.. otherwise, Europe looks a long way away...

stepping into my time machine again, this time backwards, through the David Foster concert in Spore, listening to Peter Cetera and Natalie Cole sing their hits of that genre, brought back many memories - sweet ones too. 

life is rich - memories of sweet sugar, bitter medicine, sour plums, and painful knocks... may yours be more sweet than pain.

one week too long

now i know why we have an offday after 5 or 6 days of work.  it's for us to recharge batteries, to chill, to do something different.

with the spore F1 last weekend, it was a non-break, working through the weekend... and i mean really work, carry tables and chairs, serving people and all.  tiring is the word - i'm usually quite bombed out by friday night, but this week, without the offday, i'm shattered.

or maybe it's the age :)  don't think so.

the age shows with the silly dry eyes syndrome i have now.  eye specialist says its the menopause causing hormones to go awry, hence very very dry eyes.. just as well i don't have a lover as i now have to put thick eye gel just before bedtime, for a month... how romantic can that get..

eyes wide open

its 4 am and i'm wide awake,sad. i had tiramisu for dessert and the espresso must be the guilty party keeping me up now.  and so in the quietness of the night, idle minds lead to idle thoughts, not very wise i can tell you.  the night plays tricks on your mind, it delves into the mysteries and depths of things you do not want to think about, it takes you into melancholy and the pits..... moral of the story, don't take tiramisu at night :)

what does one do when one realises that love has ebbed, that the waves of the ocean must have taken it away with them, that love after all is only for that moment, and if not nurtured properly, like a plant, it will slowly disappear.  and what remains is just the shell, wondering where the soul has gone to, wishing perhaps for it to be filled, yet wondering if it's best for all.

what does one do when those they care about have moved on or are moving on? isn't it time to let go and create a new life, leaving the past behind in the photo albums and the recesses of the mind, and get on with new paths, new roads to be concerned about.  won't it be less hassle, less fights, less arguments, less concern, less frustration, less disappointment?

yes, definitely, a brand new day, a brand new start, a brand new life, a brand new me..... at least working towards it is a step forward, a note of excitement perhaps in contrast to holding on to the past and wondering what went wrong...

and so you see how destructive the still of the night can be....

Netherlands

NL was good - any holiday is good, but this was more meaningful because it was to visit my girl.  apart from it being too hot, which was a bummer, and the amount of walking after weeks of very hard work in the office, it wasn't the fun part.

I loved Brugge, we have to go back there again for more leisurely walking around the shops. Hoorn is another place i would like to spend another day in; Maarken was very interesting but maybe once is enough. Delft and Hague are worth another more leisurely visit.  Amsterdam? mixed feelings about it really, very cosmopolitan like any big city, very crowded, but interesting, plus we didn't see enough of the place, so yes, another visit coming.

decisions decisions decisions

i have been wondering which dvd to watch, and quite often, end up not watching anything... contemplate too much lah.
should i watch an action movie, or a tearjerker, a light comedy, a family drama, or some romance?  so difficult to decide sometimes.

i recently decided, after 5 minutes of staring at the pile of dvd's, that i would watch The Ghost Writer, my fave Pierce Brosnan - changed halfway to another dvd, not because it wasn't nice, but perhaps i felt like something more racy.. went back to it a few days later to finish the show, and it was good.

Kristen Stewart was good as Joan Jett too, so was Dakota Fanning of course, but i really bought the dvd for Elle.  We watched together which was fun, i probably wouldnt have watched it on my own.

and tonight, i had thought of watching another dvd, but because i couldn't decide which, i ended up with Cafe World :)

how did "this" happen?

i was watching Oprah interviewing Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, over the issue of her allegedly asking for money to give reporters a lead-in to Prince Andrew. it was a very candid interview, as is with all of Oprah's interviews, and it prompts us to ask the question and come to some realisation of ourselves.  this scandal made Sarah realise how out of control she was in the spiral of problems she was in, that she didn't even realise what she was doing.

i'm sure she now often asks herself, in her down days, 'how did this happen?"

which gets me thinking - how did "this" happen to me?  all of us come to a point in our lives where we ask ourselves this same question, all of us with our different "this"..

sitting here at my dining table, work spread out on one end, tv in the background, art easel on the other end of the table, and totally enjoying this R & R time on my own - yet i wonder how did this happen to me - being on my own, though not complaining about it... yet...

when i was 20, as with all 20-year olds, i had this picture of me getting married, having children, being a good mother and wife, growing old with the husband, going for family holidays, marrying the children off, all with laughter and cheer, of course a little pain and unpleasantness along the way..... but did i think i would be on my own?  no, absolutely not.

looking at the bright side of being alone, i don't have to worry about cooking a meal for the spouse, or being home on time to see the family - i can go out and do as i please, go wherever i feel like going, stay in bed for as long as i would like to.... all the advantages of being alone, and not having to consider about the spouse.  so, yes, i am still enjoying this solitary life.  i just wish i had more time with my children, but as they get older, they have to carve out their own lives, find their dreams,  looking at their parents' lives, and learning from their parents' mistakes, hence making less mistakes in their road ahead.

alone or lonely?

most of us are alone at some of the time, lonely some of the time,  many of us are alone yet not lonely because we are contented with our own company.  when we feel like some chatter and noise, there is the box although astro sucks.. and the cafes and shopping complexes give plenty of companionship.


life has many surprises, many corners and roads - so if we have to be alone, let's explore all these twists and turns and take control of our own lives.. we ourselves are responsible for our own contentment and peace..

it is not very pleasant when we are alone AND lonely... may no one have to experience it for longer than  a minute..

mortality

i heard a long time ago that when someone reaches 45, they will start contemplating mortality. the older they get, the more they will consider their own mortality .... hmm, could well be true.

i attended a good friend's daughter's wedding dinner recently; and at the next table were all the guys whom i used to hang out with - richard wong, richard chan, jason chong...... we were young and vibrant, falling in love was exciting, and singing songs to jason's guitar picking was great.. tearing up and down genting highlands, in those winding roads in his mini cooper was thrilling.
but looking at those time-beaten faces at the wedding, although brought back nostalgia, also reminded me that anyone looking at them, and me for that matter, would never have guessed that we used to be the cool and happening youths of the day..

jason who used to be so cute, charming, with those cheeky eyes, is now a slightly pudgy chinaman :)
and i wouldn't bother too much to describe the rest..
i did miss mark, the other cog in the wheel - he passed away recently, at such a young age..

i guess at some point, all of us contemplate the end - i just pray that mine will be fast and swift, no burden to anyone, and that i would have got all my matters in order...

whose right is right?

there is right and there is wrong... but there are many rights that are actually, and many wrongs that are really right..

it really depends on which side of the fence you are looking at, isn't it?

one man's meat is another man's poison - what's right to one may be totally wrong to another. that's why spouses argue, because each believes the other is wrong.. but a third party may see it quite differently, or maybe the third party sees it from both sides and feels there is no right or wrong - merely which one has the stronger push..

so am i always right? no, not always, just usually :)

a long long time ago

 a long time ago, an 18 year old girl dreamt of working and living in UK, although she had never been there except for photos and TV. she researched ways to get over there to work or study - but she had no money for studies, and immigration laws then didn't allow work permit to a young girl without a professional degree. opportunity came when an englishman proposed, but there was no chemistry, no attraction for her - you see, at 18, her priority was still Love! over ambition.

she fell in love with another englishman, but she never did get a chance to realise her dream, because he dumped her.

and so, UK continued to be this charming, mystical, country that seemed to be so out of reach.  her first trip to UK at 28 realised all the images she had in her mind, and UK was exactly what she envisaged it to be - magical, mystical.... and still is to her..

ME-moirs

some years ago, in my idle time (that was when i did have some), i started some memoirs... thoughts and incidents that have happened in my life, and some advice from those experiences - the objective was that someday when i'm gone, my kids and their kids can read them and know a little family history, and how this woman really felt about things.

then the madness of work overtook and the project was left alone - but i will resume, even if it is just a few lines a day.

so my kids, look for the ME folder on my lappie, and you will get all my "secrets" and experiences, which are not much different despite the years apart  :)
life's experiences are not much different, regardless of which century it is in..

warped

i just realised why i work so hard... it is a blessing - it is so that i do not idle away the hours by thinking of the negatives that life has dished out on many of us..

just the other day, my good friend says she is so envious of her children jet-setting around and so in love with each other - and so it reminded us of how we can only wish, miss, and reminisce of our youthful days..

then again, the youths do not have the wisdom and charm, and wit that we oldies have.... so we won't look into the mirror each morning and be completely horrified at what looks back at us - we will just imagine that all those lines and creases are but souvenirs of good times...

DV today

let's remember DV with these...we won't see it for a year, and we trust that the tenant will take care of it.  well, DV, u take care of yourself too..

shoobaba's possessions

i can almost breathe a sigh of relief now that it's all out of the way, and we can clean up DV and have it ready for show and rent.  its now only the Mac to be brought over, and our TV to be transferred there, which will happen this week with help of big coco and uncle cheong & hong.  here's the process of the moving :

after lots of sweat and grey matter abuse :

and still not tidy enough, but will have to do for now :

Voila!!

wandamere

baby sister of Winnie the Civic

wandamere

i had laboured over what to name my little new car...WTW, what a mouthful.. but so sexy and small.  you see, i was used to the bigger Civic Winnie and its leather seats.  this has fabric seats, but the aerodynamic design gives it a sexy look, and black too... so i shall call it sexy wandamere.

it runs very smoothly, purring along, until i step on the gas and the engine rumbles a bit, like maxi trying to growl. light steering wheel and sporty wheel... nice.

maybe i should drive it to Rotterdam, wouldn't it be fun?  and i'll throw max and fox in the boot; can't have them stink up my back seat surely..

shall wait for shoobaba and rik, and let wandamere accompany us to penang and fraser's hill at the end of the year.

a woman and a car

i'm convinced cars are female..
everyone, especially the men, panders over a new car, washing and polishing regularly - the same way they moon over a new love.

a new car is cool, smooth-running and centre of attraction.  after 5 years, the car starts to lose its allure, and biologically requires corrective surgery - oil leaks, absorber leaks, engine trouble.... just like a woman's body when she hits 50!

my car arrives next week, yippee... although i am getting accustomed to loyal  Miss Atos, but i guess yelleh belleh has been patient enough.  just make sure you handle her with care, yelleh belleh, otherwise shoobaba will be right on you :)  remember, miss atos is 5 years old now, so don't push her.... house rules apply...

layout

just when i thought i would change my blog layout to something more corporate, as it does look a little teenage, i get two comments that it is cute :)

well, i'm not exactly at the cute age, but what the heck, if i can't be young, i can have a young layout can't i....

there's hardly anything to watch on astro anymore! what a bummer.. 

and i need a gym partner to prod me on; laziness always prevails even though the gym lights beckon.  it's truly a case of the spirit is willing but the body is weak. it's always more tempting to exercise the stomach with food, and more comfortable to sit with the lappie and tv for company.

here's one for the album..

fiona shrek

guess what. i saw fiona yesterday... she's looking pretty good these days. she has lost some weight, went to a proper hairstylist too.  mr shrek will be most pleased, so will her subjects, and her king and queen :)

why do people have to get old? i saw pierce brosnan in a new movie, and looking his age, not the james bond, or the remington steele we remember him by.  still.........he looks pretty darn good, just a bit aging..

does anyone know where to get midsomer murders series?

sara sidle is also back in CSI... grissom's still in the tropical jungle?

spent a whole afternoon sorting shoobaba's books, keeping only the all-time favourites and classics, and that's a good 6 boxes!...getting my hands black with grime, and a backache from sitting on the footrest.  where is the stool?  you see the clutter that one accumulates only when a move is in the offing.  and how do you merge two homes' clutter into one?  that's my expertise i think - been moving from bigger homes to smaller units and squeezing and giving away.... it continues..

marriage

it's understandable that hollywood celebs have short marriages. life is too fast for them to deal with marriage pressures and demands.  but even everyday janes and johns seem to be having a hollywood marriage lifestyle. so why are marriages or relationships so difficult?

to me, it's all about - respect, consideration, acceptance, compromise, control - and love comes last..

respect respect respect... once you have lost that for the other, everything else will fall apart, sooner or later.

and to crown it - $$$ - one doesn't have to be rich, but one needs to be financially comfortable for a relationship to last...

love lasts but for moments, the rest is reality..

festivals and festivities

yesterday was a day of mixed emotions.  Cemetery Day in the morning to pay respects to Dad and Bro-in-law at their burial sites.  for the first time in 15 years, it rained on this day, which was a nice change, as it was always oppressively hot.  and beautiful misty mountains at Nirvana because of the rain.  we hide the sadness with lots of chatter and laughter, jokes and fun - with 12 of us there, it was a good family reunion of sorts.

and in the evening, it was time for the family to get together again - this time to celebrate Mum's 84th birthday. yummy catered dinner paid by Yew.  and a whole lot of fun, buying lottery numbers with lots of merriment again. my nephews are so witty people.

here are some pictures to tell the story.

Mum's birthday at Wendy's with the whole family... well, almost whole... minus my kids

misty mountains at Nirvana Memorial

at my bro-in-law's tomb.we all miss him much.

are you salivating?

my constant companion for the last 4.5 years

shoobaba's companion, now mine temporarily

goodbye WNE

after 5 good years, my loyal little civic, winnie (WNE) will be handed over to the dealer. i hope the next owner will take care of it as well as i did. WNE's been good to me, faithful with no problems at all for the last nearly 5 years. she's showing her age now, so i think she will be quite pleased that i am retiring her too. happy days ahead, WNE... i'm going to so miss you..

some pics to cheer up the blog - a birthday in march

monumental packing

trying to organise moving from a bigger unit to a smaller unit, and to make it more interesting, a smaller unit which has already a full house of stuff?  a monumental move i can say.

i stand around and wonder how on earth i am going to fit them all in.  then i decide to pack the things i do not use, but where would i store them?  and what about the things i want to bring over, would there be space?  and of course, there's more packing over at the smaller unit to make way for these things here...as if packing in one house is not bad enough.

am i getting you confused and weary ? well i am - let's think about it tomorrow, and get into action the next day...

communication and miscommunication

communication is such an important part of our lives. the way we communicate, or miscommunicate, can cause so many heartaches, frustrations, pains.

working in a fair-sized organisation with people from different stratas of education, and different walks of life, it is so interesting to watch how people communicate.  a simple sentence can be said in so many ways to complicate it, make it complex, and totally misunderstood and misinterpreted by others.

and i'm sure it happens all over the world, regardless of which industry we are in.. where there are humans, there will be communication and miscommunication...

"i commend you" was pronounced "i comment you"
so the boss, scratching his head asks "was that a compliment?" -
yes of course, comment is compliment..
no la, comment is comment... how can it be a compliment?
no, c o m m e n d (spelt out)...
OHHHHH you mean commend pronounce it properly la...

decisions decisions

test drove the Honda City today. nothing like the Civic, but then again, it is one grade lower so what do you expect..

toyota vios is also recommended, but i don't like toyota - too chinesey, accountant, engineer ..

then there's the Kia Forte, which i'm told is quite sporty - have to go check it out..

maybe i should just go back to the Proton.. it had been good to me..

so what do you think?

musings

aren't these quirky but true?

such is life isn't it - weird, quirky, strange, bewildering, frustrating - but true..

life has been changing so rapidly in the last 6 months over at this household.. from a foursome to now a two-some at home. from two homes, to maybe just one as the other will be rented. from a 5 year old car, to a skid and a spin, and decision to get a new one. from a just nice bills payment, to a few more outstanding. my oh my, and the list goes on.

sometimes the days just drag on, with nothing new, other days just go too fast.  if i could turn back the clock, i would turn it back -  to 1975 but with present maturity ... and if the time machine can't go that far, i would turn it back to 1996....  sliding doors which i now know which to go through..

so many things i miss, so many things i will miss, but right now - i miss the days when i read the kids bedtime stories, when their little hands would cling on to my hand when we walked, and we were all as one.

and tomorrow, i have to go to work......... reality check here..

a new chapter

funny how life dishes out unplanned things, no matter how settled you think you are.  well, shoobs boobs moving to NL is certainly unexpected, but inevitable i guess.

it will be so strange to only see her once in so many months... no msn nor skype can really take the place of physical presence. and it's so strange to get through the day at work, and then remember that dinner is most likely on my own since yelleh belleh has a keen social life. dinner used to be quite often with shoobs.  i guess the positive side is that i will be able to catch up with friends, and start a new life.

it's time to really let go of the children.  my job is done, it's time to let them fly the coop.

but it will never really be a 'let go'; not when we are so close.  it will merely be a "adjustment" of the mind.

and yes, it is certainly a new chapter in all our lives.

i pray that she will eventually come back to live here or yelleh and mumsy can move there, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. as long as children are happy with their lives, it is all that counts. parents do not take centrestage anymore..

i thought i had it all sorted out

isn't this a common phrase - "i thought i had it all sorted out"...

and then it wasn't.. things go awry, plans go haywire... so what do we do? smile and let life take us to the next level..  let God lead us to the next door.

just focus on the good things, just focus on the way forward, just focus on the good...... and it will all be sorted out.

isn't life fun?

movies

what would life be without movies? it's a form of escape from reality which is much needed. but today, such has matured to very realistic escapism, that one has to choose carefully the movie one wants to watch because it evokes such empathy and emotion.

and the underlying serious messages, the subliminal morals, all wrapped in a superficial, send-up entertaining show. there will be those who take it at face value and think it's funny, but some of us sit back and think deeper, but no, not so good either, because of its grim and sometimes morose message - very depressing... so no no no, think only positive, positive vibes, positive thoughts.

let the realities lurk around, let them prowl in the abyss of the forgotten corridor of our mashed up brains.. let the light shine on the cheerful, prancing, happy moments of this thing we call Life..

back again

i've been blasted for not updating my blog... so here i come, although my mind is still blank.  trying not to think too much about this or that, and in the process, denial sets in every angle and one becomes quite a zombie. quite an interesting way to live, albeit a little boring and time catches up too quickly.

michelle pfeiffer was interviewed on david letterman earlier - she's the same age as me.. she narrated how a reporter asked her a very direct question recently "so, how do you cope with your old and decrepit body" - what gall isn't it?  well these old and decrepit bodies, including mine, ain't too bad for someone half a century old. still going strong - don't ask me in ten years' time though but by then, we probably won't have blogs or conversations anymore.  we won't need to ask questions, we will have chips on our heads which read each other's thoughts... err, maybe just the nice thoughts, so we won't end up tearing each other's eyes out..