"We Had Him": Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing, now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our fingertips like a puff of summer wind.
Without notice, our dear love can escape our doting embrace. Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.
In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. No clocks can tell time. No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.
Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone.
Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.
He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance.
Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that.
He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.
We had him, beautiful, delighting our eyes.
His hat, aslant over his brow, and took a pose on his toes for all of us.
And we laughed and stomped our feet for him.
We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing. He gave us all he had been given.
Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eiffel Tower, in Ghana's Black Star Square.
In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh, in Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham, England
We are missing Michael.
But we do know we had him, and we are the world.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
remember
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
i love this poem - so sad, yet so positive and giving... this should be my eulogy and epitaph
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
i love this poem - so sad, yet so positive and giving... this should be my eulogy and epitaph
Monday, April 25, 2011
this thing called Love
so many interpretations of this four letter word....but for the purposes of this blog, let's just stick to the traditional use, and keep it nice.
a mother's love - i was watching Oprah's interview with Katherine Jackson about MJ...you could see the pain in her eyes which cannot be faked. that kind of love will never fade nor die.
a child's love - Oprah then spoke with MJ's children; and the love Paris and Prince hold for their dad is what every parent would wish for from their children.
a lover's love? well, that's another thing right? some love could really be lust, some could be infatuation, and then there are the true loves. i'm sure many of you have had experiences in all these areas - i surely have such memories... and i think that i am very blessed because i can safely say that i have loved many, but have definitely been loved by more - but which ones are true, and which are lust? that's for me to know, and for you to guess :)
a mother's love - i was watching Oprah's interview with Katherine Jackson about MJ...you could see the pain in her eyes which cannot be faked. that kind of love will never fade nor die.
a child's love - Oprah then spoke with MJ's children; and the love Paris and Prince hold for their dad is what every parent would wish for from their children.
a lover's love? well, that's another thing right? some love could really be lust, some could be infatuation, and then there are the true loves. i'm sure many of you have had experiences in all these areas - i surely have such memories... and i think that i am very blessed because i can safely say that i have loved many, but have definitely been loved by more - but which ones are true, and which are lust? that's for me to know, and for you to guess :)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
out of whack
do you sometimes feel that you are out of sorts, out of whack, out of everything? not a very nice feeling eh... you feel like you have ants in your pants, always having to be on the move, and dissatisfied with everything around you, yet not wanting to do anything about it.
do you feel that perhaps the best thing is to bury yourself in the sand? except there's no sand around.
do you feel that you want some company? except you don't really want to talk about anything in particular, and probably prefer really to be on your own?
oh such horrible terrible days and hours.. must be the moon!
do you feel that perhaps the best thing is to bury yourself in the sand? except there's no sand around.
do you feel that you want some company? except you don't really want to talk about anything in particular, and probably prefer really to be on your own?
oh such horrible terrible days and hours.. must be the moon!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
princess on the moon
my pastor's sermon reminded me of a bedtime story i used to tell my girls..
there once was a beautiful princess on the moon. one day, she asked her dad about another planet that she saw in the distance, and if she could visit it. her dad took her to earth; she loved it so much, she would visit each month, and eventually fell in love with a human. when her dad told her she couldn't be with an earthling, she cried and cried - taking pity on her, dad said she could visit him once a year. she could also watch him from a distance once a month... hence, we have a full moon each month so that she can see her lover clearly from the moon, and vice versa. and once a year, we celebrate the moon festival - a celebration of love.
there once was a beautiful princess on the moon. one day, she asked her dad about another planet that she saw in the distance, and if she could visit it. her dad took her to earth; she loved it so much, she would visit each month, and eventually fell in love with a human. when her dad told her she couldn't be with an earthling, she cried and cried - taking pity on her, dad said she could visit him once a year. she could also watch him from a distance once a month... hence, we have a full moon each month so that she can see her lover clearly from the moon, and vice versa. and once a year, we celebrate the moon festival - a celebration of love.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
birthdays and sunsets
at 7pm, in Port Dickson Thistle Hotel, this photo represents a big part of my life. this exact scene had been played many many times in my life, from the time when i was 18 in Port Dickson too, to Penang for countless ocassions, to Australia, UK, Rotterdam (though not by the sea) .......
later that night, we went back to this beach which would have been pitch dark, if not for the lighthouse signal, and a huge spotlight shining on the beach from the hotel, letting residents walk along or sit on the beach. it was low tide then, and standing there in the peace of the night with just the waves serenely lapping away, i couldn't help but think back of all those times when i did exactly the same thing in various beaches, all alone. it was a nostalgic moment, and thinking back of those days when my thoughts would wander with dreams and wishes, it was interesting to now look back and realise none of my dreams really did come true - well, maybe some of them came very close to it.
and another point i noted - as i stood there reminiscing, my daughter was a few yards in front of me, sitting on the sand, in her own world of thoughts too. i wondered if she was dreaming the same dreams i had many years ago, and if she was, i truly hope that her dreams will come true. and i pondered over the possibility that she would, one day, perhaps at my age, stand on some beach and look upon her own daughter a few yards in front of her - each in their own thoughts and dreams.
if i am really blessed, maybe i would also be on that beach looking at my daughter and grand daughter...
and if i am in heaven, i would definitely be looking down upon them with a big smile!
Friday, March 4, 2011
birthdays
so it's just another birthday - have had quite a few now, some most worthy of thoughts, and i'm so blessed that only a handful are better forgotten.
i used to get a room full of presents; now it's just half a room, but hey, better than nothing right. i used to have a dressing table full of perfumes as birthday gifts, from well-wishing interested males; these days, i still have a couple or two perfumes waiting to be opened, but from different well-wishers.
those were the days of party and fun with friends and friends; now it seems a little more sedate, but, hey, it's not old age! perhaps it's just maturity. been there, done that............. hmm, i wouldn't say 'No' to Zouk though, or a good dance club, with great music, and great company.
i used to get a room full of presents; now it's just half a room, but hey, better than nothing right. i used to have a dressing table full of perfumes as birthday gifts, from well-wishing interested males; these days, i still have a couple or two perfumes waiting to be opened, but from different well-wishers.
those were the days of party and fun with friends and friends; now it seems a little more sedate, but, hey, it's not old age! perhaps it's just maturity. been there, done that............. hmm, i wouldn't say 'No' to Zouk though, or a good dance club, with great music, and great company.
Monday, January 31, 2011
too many things to say
i stare at the blank page - so much on the mind, so much i want to say, so much i have to comment about; but all coming to a blank when i have to actually put it into words.
so how about some pictures to tell part of the story..
so how about some pictures to tell part of the story..
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Change is a certainty... but what a change!
the last major change in my life was the end of a marriage, right in the middle of my father's last days, and immediately followed unexpectedly by my brother-in-law the following year. it wasn't a very pleasant year or two.
now, in the last 18 months, i would say is the second major change in my life... a totally unpredictable change from a couple to being on my own, which is not too bad as playing solitaire can be quite serene at times, to my daughter uprooting herself to the other end of the world.
when we were young, we always have this rosy picture that we would get married, have kids, watch them grow and get married, have marvellous bonding and lots of visits among the grown children, and the two old folks growing old together. some of us are blessed with that of course and sail through life, but many of us have a more exciting roller coaster ride - filled with adrenalin rushes, challenging times and emotions, drastic highs and lows....
i wonder what will happen round the corner... but as they say, we take one day at a time..
now, in the last 18 months, i would say is the second major change in my life... a totally unpredictable change from a couple to being on my own, which is not too bad as playing solitaire can be quite serene at times, to my daughter uprooting herself to the other end of the world.
when we were young, we always have this rosy picture that we would get married, have kids, watch them grow and get married, have marvellous bonding and lots of visits among the grown children, and the two old folks growing old together. some of us are blessed with that of course and sail through life, but many of us have a more exciting roller coaster ride - filled with adrenalin rushes, challenging times and emotions, drastic highs and lows....
i wonder what will happen round the corner... but as they say, we take one day at a time..
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Satiation
I wonder how many more times we can do these girly times before family, babies, husbands will have their say.
there are some people in our lives whom we prefer to forget, some periods of our lives we prefer to wipe out, some mistakes we have made we prefer to have not..... but one thing i will never trade - it's being mother to these two girls, and being part of their lives.... now it's time to share them with others, c'est la vie.
Elle and I took a short drive to Templer Park today - 20 mins and we were there, and nice greens along the way making it a pleasant drive too. templer park is certainly scenic and peaceful, and seems to be the sleepy hollow now, with golf courses and large trees with branches meeting each other across the road to canopise and offer such beautiful landscape.
a short respite from the grind of work...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
a defining moment
you know how we sometimes have certain defining moments which either shake us out of oblivion or bring us to another level of being? my recent defining moment was at the Christmas Eve family lunch - it had traditionally been us girls, and when they were young, with stella and her kids. we stopped the tradition for a few years when the husband had to be considered :)
we re-started the girls tradition for the last two years, and this year, there were 2 additions.... their boyfriends! sitting at the head of the table and watching the two couples, was a very defining moment for me..... the girls have come of age and having their own lives to lead, with their own partners. which begs the other sore fact - that i'm definitely getting old :(
oh well, maybe in a few years' time, we can still continue the tradition, but with some additions of little ones??
we re-started the girls tradition for the last two years, and this year, there were 2 additions.... their boyfriends! sitting at the head of the table and watching the two couples, was a very defining moment for me..... the girls have come of age and having their own lives to lead, with their own partners. which begs the other sore fact - that i'm definitely getting old :(
oh well, maybe in a few years' time, we can still continue the tradition, but with some additions of little ones??
Sunday, December 5, 2010
younghood by popular demand
.when i was in my early teens, i remember fantasizing about this hunk who totally adores me, and i would sit at the ledge of my window under the moonlight - admiring the bright new moon of course, but letting the mind wander......of course, by the time i was old enough to date, i did have my fair share of good looking, and not so good looking, interesting and not so interesting, young men for company. but no one sat with me to stare at the moon...
now when i am not so young, i don't fantasize anymore since i have lived through it all, but every now and then i do enjoy a sweet, romantic dream, but this time, not with a fantasy soul, but with someone i loved a long time ago.... ok, maybe i still have some feelings for him...
i look at the bright new moon these days and i just go "wow, kids, look at the moon, isn't it glorious" - far too practical i am now, maybe because i prefer to lock up the other side of me..... when the kids were young, i would tell them the 'moon' story - the story of how the princess who lives on the moon, falls in love with a man from earth, and can only visit him once a year, when her parents allow her to visit earth.. how romantic, how sad...
i do deviate much on this blog too, don't I - i used to write a fair number of poems in the younger days. these days, the mind is a total blank where creative juices are concerned. i can hardly write two lines of meaningful prose!
i do wonder what happened to all my younger loves, where they are, what they're doing - strange that i have not bumped into any of them..
now when i am not so young, i don't fantasize anymore since i have lived through it all, but every now and then i do enjoy a sweet, romantic dream, but this time, not with a fantasy soul, but with someone i loved a long time ago.... ok, maybe i still have some feelings for him...
i look at the bright new moon these days and i just go "wow, kids, look at the moon, isn't it glorious" - far too practical i am now, maybe because i prefer to lock up the other side of me..... when the kids were young, i would tell them the 'moon' story - the story of how the princess who lives on the moon, falls in love with a man from earth, and can only visit him once a year, when her parents allow her to visit earth.. how romantic, how sad...
i do deviate much on this blog too, don't I - i used to write a fair number of poems in the younger days. these days, the mind is a total blank where creative juices are concerned. i can hardly write two lines of meaningful prose!
i do wonder what happened to all my younger loves, where they are, what they're doing - strange that i have not bumped into any of them..
Saturday, November 27, 2010
the truth?
don't you think the word 'truth' has been used too freely? who knows what is the truth except the person who has experienced it; and even with the experience, who is to know that they are relating the truth? many a time, the story has been glorified, embellished, exaggerated to make it a worthy story to be listened to and remembered.
when someone says that they love you, which truth is it? the love of love or the lust of love, or the companionship of love?
when someone says you are a good friend, is it because you are the most useful at the point in time, you contribute the most to the person's wellbeing and joy for now, and that you are gullible enough to be sucked into doing all the dirty jobs that need to be done? how many are truly truthful to their words?
the only truth is when someone comes to your help without asking anything in return, now and later. the only truth is when someone doesn't question your story but just dishes out whatever help you need. the only truth is when, long after you had a relationship with the person, they still remember you and extends a helping hand with one call, without conditions.
the only truth is when someone you love loves you back by showing it in the most simple ways, without expectations, without conditions, without negatives...
when someone says that they love you, which truth is it? the love of love or the lust of love, or the companionship of love?
when someone says you are a good friend, is it because you are the most useful at the point in time, you contribute the most to the person's wellbeing and joy for now, and that you are gullible enough to be sucked into doing all the dirty jobs that need to be done? how many are truly truthful to their words?
the only truth is when someone comes to your help without asking anything in return, now and later. the only truth is when someone doesn't question your story but just dishes out whatever help you need. the only truth is when, long after you had a relationship with the person, they still remember you and extends a helping hand with one call, without conditions.
the only truth is when someone you love loves you back by showing it in the most simple ways, without expectations, without conditions, without negatives...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
discos and nightspots
here's another trip down memory lane. i was taking a ride downtown the other day, a rare scene since i usually prefer to drive myself. it gave me a chance to look around the city landscape, and, did i shock myself - so many buildings that i didn't realise had sprung up, so many entertainment spots that i haven't known about.
back in the days of younghood (as my daughter terms it), i knew every nook and corner of the town, every disco (nowadays called clubs), every good restaurant, every lorong with the best hokkien mee, best satay, best bak kut teh. i knew that the best prawn mee in town was the lorong near chinatown, but it only opens on thursdays; that campbell square had the best nasi lemak, jalan ipoh had the best bak kut teh at 3 a.m. after a sweaty session at the disco.
today, i can hardly keep up with the new roads and buildings, let alone the hangouts of the young. we were in a much safer environment then,i am convinced. i could walk home from a bus ride at midnight, and i wouldn't worry about anything. i would drive home alone at 2 a.m. and it was fine. life then was not so complicated, it wasn't as decadent and immoral. life was somewhat simpler, just as fun without the negative frills like drugs and bad hats... sure, it wasn't devoid of them, but it sure wasn't as rampant and common as today.
life for youngsters seem to be good these days, with all the modern technology and gadgets that are so sophisticated; but i reckon that with a much safer world those days, life was much happier and easygoing. parents didn't have to worry as much about their child's safety and well-being then. with all the violence prevailing these days, youngsters have to be more wary about their surroundings, hence putting pressures on where they should hang out in, what time they should be heading home, why they shouldn't really be driving alone at night..... so many restrictions these days....
and those who throw caution to the wind today?? well, many have paid the price and many will have the negatives catch up on them, and some will get away with it...... but do we want to take that risk? i certainly believe the consequences are not worth the risks..
back in the days of younghood (as my daughter terms it), i knew every nook and corner of the town, every disco (nowadays called clubs), every good restaurant, every lorong with the best hokkien mee, best satay, best bak kut teh. i knew that the best prawn mee in town was the lorong near chinatown, but it only opens on thursdays; that campbell square had the best nasi lemak, jalan ipoh had the best bak kut teh at 3 a.m. after a sweaty session at the disco.
today, i can hardly keep up with the new roads and buildings, let alone the hangouts of the young. we were in a much safer environment then,i am convinced. i could walk home from a bus ride at midnight, and i wouldn't worry about anything. i would drive home alone at 2 a.m. and it was fine. life then was not so complicated, it wasn't as decadent and immoral. life was somewhat simpler, just as fun without the negative frills like drugs and bad hats... sure, it wasn't devoid of them, but it sure wasn't as rampant and common as today.
life for youngsters seem to be good these days, with all the modern technology and gadgets that are so sophisticated; but i reckon that with a much safer world those days, life was much happier and easygoing. parents didn't have to worry as much about their child's safety and well-being then. with all the violence prevailing these days, youngsters have to be more wary about their surroundings, hence putting pressures on where they should hang out in, what time they should be heading home, why they shouldn't really be driving alone at night..... so many restrictions these days....
and those who throw caution to the wind today?? well, many have paid the price and many will have the negatives catch up on them, and some will get away with it...... but do we want to take that risk? i certainly believe the consequences are not worth the risks..
Friday, November 19, 2010
of fridays
a long time ago, when mobile phones were gigantic and owned by loan sharks only, we relied on land lines to get dates and talk to the boyfriends. come thursday, us bachelor girls will be busy picking up the office lines to fix appointments for friday and saturday. oh what fun and joy when one is young and beautiful..
today, friday is a day i look forward to going home and chill out, while the whole city is bustling around traffic jams, crowded places, and bad food due to the rush.
but we have to go through each phase of life as it pans out, the important thing is for us to enjoy each portion, no matter how unpleasant, or negative it may seem at the time.
choose to be positive, choose to take each day in stride and be happy with small mercies, choose to smile despite hardships.... choice is a certainty we have, apart from death..
today, friday is a day i look forward to going home and chill out, while the whole city is bustling around traffic jams, crowded places, and bad food due to the rush.
but we have to go through each phase of life as it pans out, the important thing is for us to enjoy each portion, no matter how unpleasant, or negative it may seem at the time.
choose to be positive, choose to take each day in stride and be happy with small mercies, choose to smile despite hardships.... choice is a certainty we have, apart from death..
Saturday, November 6, 2010
time machine
it certainly feels like i'm in a time machine, moving forward at the speed of light. like a blink of the eye, it's christmas round the corner, and i can still remember last christmas. the good thing about this time machine, is that shoobaba will be back, if only for holidays.. at least one daughter will be thrilled to see me too...
speaking of this same time machine, i saw my nephew Marcus today, an absence of over 2 months, and gosh, has he shot up in height!
maybe i would wake up in the morning, and the time machine would take me to a debt-free day.. otherwise, Europe looks a long way away...
stepping into my time machine again, this time backwards, through the David Foster concert in Spore, listening to Peter Cetera and Natalie Cole sing their hits of that genre, brought back many memories - sweet ones too.
life is rich - memories of sweet sugar, bitter medicine, sour plums, and painful knocks... may yours be more sweet than pain.
speaking of this same time machine, i saw my nephew Marcus today, an absence of over 2 months, and gosh, has he shot up in height!
maybe i would wake up in the morning, and the time machine would take me to a debt-free day.. otherwise, Europe looks a long way away...
stepping into my time machine again, this time backwards, through the David Foster concert in Spore, listening to Peter Cetera and Natalie Cole sing their hits of that genre, brought back many memories - sweet ones too.
life is rich - memories of sweet sugar, bitter medicine, sour plums, and painful knocks... may yours be more sweet than pain.
Friday, October 1, 2010
one week too long
now i know why we have an offday after 5 or 6 days of work. it's for us to recharge batteries, to chill, to do something different.
with the spore F1 last weekend, it was a non-break, working through the weekend... and i mean really work, carry tables and chairs, serving people and all. tiring is the word - i'm usually quite bombed out by friday night, but this week, without the offday, i'm shattered.
or maybe it's the age :) don't think so.
the age shows with the silly dry eyes syndrome i have now. eye specialist says its the menopause causing hormones to go awry, hence very very dry eyes.. just as well i don't have a lover as i now have to put thick eye gel just before bedtime, for a month... how romantic can that get..
with the spore F1 last weekend, it was a non-break, working through the weekend... and i mean really work, carry tables and chairs, serving people and all. tiring is the word - i'm usually quite bombed out by friday night, but this week, without the offday, i'm shattered.
or maybe it's the age :) don't think so.
the age shows with the silly dry eyes syndrome i have now. eye specialist says its the menopause causing hormones to go awry, hence very very dry eyes.. just as well i don't have a lover as i now have to put thick eye gel just before bedtime, for a month... how romantic can that get..
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
eyes wide open
its 4 am and i'm wide awake,sad. i had tiramisu for dessert and the espresso must be the guilty party keeping me up now. and so in the quietness of the night, idle minds lead to idle thoughts, not very wise i can tell you. the night plays tricks on your mind, it delves into the mysteries and depths of things you do not want to think about, it takes you into melancholy and the pits..... moral of the story, don't take tiramisu at night :)
what does one do when one realises that love has ebbed, that the waves of the ocean must have taken it away with them, that love after all is only for that moment, and if not nurtured properly, like a plant, it will slowly disappear. and what remains is just the shell, wondering where the soul has gone to, wishing perhaps for it to be filled, yet wondering if it's best for all.
what does one do when those they care about have moved on or are moving on? isn't it time to let go and create a new life, leaving the past behind in the photo albums and the recesses of the mind, and get on with new paths, new roads to be concerned about. won't it be less hassle, less fights, less arguments, less concern, less frustration, less disappointment?
yes, definitely, a brand new day, a brand new start, a brand new life, a brand new me..... at least working towards it is a step forward, a note of excitement perhaps in contrast to holding on to the past and wondering what went wrong...
and so you see how destructive the still of the night can be....
what does one do when one realises that love has ebbed, that the waves of the ocean must have taken it away with them, that love after all is only for that moment, and if not nurtured properly, like a plant, it will slowly disappear. and what remains is just the shell, wondering where the soul has gone to, wishing perhaps for it to be filled, yet wondering if it's best for all.
what does one do when those they care about have moved on or are moving on? isn't it time to let go and create a new life, leaving the past behind in the photo albums and the recesses of the mind, and get on with new paths, new roads to be concerned about. won't it be less hassle, less fights, less arguments, less concern, less frustration, less disappointment?
yes, definitely, a brand new day, a brand new start, a brand new life, a brand new me..... at least working towards it is a step forward, a note of excitement perhaps in contrast to holding on to the past and wondering what went wrong...
and so you see how destructive the still of the night can be....
Friday, September 10, 2010
Netherlands
NL was good - any holiday is good, but this was more meaningful because it was to visit my girl. apart from it being too hot, which was a bummer, and the amount of walking after weeks of very hard work in the office, it wasn't the fun part.
I loved Brugge, we have to go back there again for more leisurely walking around the shops. Hoorn is another place i would like to spend another day in; Maarken was very interesting but maybe once is enough. Delft and Hague are worth another more leisurely visit. Amsterdam? mixed feelings about it really, very cosmopolitan like any big city, very crowded, but interesting, plus we didn't see enough of the place, so yes, another visit coming.
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